one-on-one support
Waiting to Get Your Dissertation Accepted?
Last Updated on: 5th June 2024, 02:55 am
Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine.
I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like. I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.
Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student.
7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student
1. This is a marathon and not a sprint
If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in.
It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.
Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work.
Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.
This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line.
2. Your partner will change during the process
Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes.
You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.
Over 50% of doctoral candidates don’t finish their dissertations.
If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…
3. There actually is an end
You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).
4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable
There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said.
Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason.
Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.
5. Just listen
Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things.
Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem. Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.
6. You may have to do some things alone
Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.
The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.
7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated
Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.
There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams.
Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student
If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.
